Yesterday Yahoo! put out an article giving us the “5 Fights Every Couple Should Have.” They put out these moronic articles all the time. I thought it would be best break these necessary fights down one by one. Be prepared, these hypotheticals are brutal. Italics are the article, bold is me.
1. Your personal freedom. Money symbolizes this freedom, yet opposites attract. Sara was frugal and typically saved her pennies, while Ben was an over-spender who oozed reckless abandon. Each found the other’s spending habits intolerable. So before they got married, the couple set up a “you” account, a “me” account, and a “we” account for their funds. Each then felt free, yet also bonded together.
Lesson learned: The more compromise a couple enjoys, the more devoted to each other they feel.
At first glance I really wanna bag on Sara, but this girl is actually the perfect girl. Would you rather have Sara: the penny pusher who watches every expense, or some chick who’s making the minimum payment on the credit card she maxed out last week? Sara who’s probably cool with picking up dinner at Chipotle, or some chick who wants you (to want to) take her out to a nice restaurant and drop 80 bucks? Plus Sara’s probably the girl that doesn’t go out and Ben definitely sounds like an alcoholic, which means she probably is cool with being the DD most weekends.
2. A healthy lifestyle. Alan promised to stop smoking if Maggie married him. She did, but he didn’t follow through. Maggie fought for their family to embrace healthy eating habits and exercise routines, but Alan refused to participate. Maggie finally left the marriage when Alan almost died of COPD.
Lesson learned: Share your needs and preferences with each other right from the start so you can test your partner’s buy-in on such matters.
Lesson Learned: when your husband almost dies you should probably leave his ass. Wait, what? Ok so Alan couldn’t stop smoking. This is what you married into. Sickness and health Maggie, sickness and health.
3. Emotional and physical safety. Bonnie seemed like an ideal catch when Fred first met her, but after they dated for four months, her short fuse revealed itself; Bonnie was blowing up at the slightest provocation. At my urging, she enrolled in Anger Management classes, and Fred now appreciates their relationship more than ever before.
Lesson learned: Openly communicate your concerns about physical safety. Discover how far you’ll be willing to go for what your partner may call “love.
How desperate do you have to be to enroll your psychotic girlfriend in anger management classes after four months? The relationship has been going on for four months. The honeymoon stage has come to its end. Pull the eject button and get out of there. (Side note: not the route I thought the writer was going with when the title came up “physical safety.”)
4. Your own bathroom comfort. Jim had been dating Violet for several months. He was fastidious, and she was messy. He couldn’t stand her hair in the bathroom sink; she couldn’t fathom falling into the toilet another time after he left the seat up. She put the toilet paper facing one way, which compelled Jim to replace it going in the other direction. Each partner’s bathroom habits annoyed the other, but I advised them to find some humor in their disagreements. When they recognized these arguments were hardly earth-shattering, they chose to change their routines in order to sustain their love for each other.
Lesson learned: Air your complaints with humor, because laughter accelerates and maintains the romance!
Air your complaints with humor? Yeah because girls aren’t passive aggressive enough. Girl- “Hey hunny, I saw you left the toilet seat up again, so I threw your new trimmer in the trash! Haha” In about two seconds the jokes start getting personal. Guy- “Babe I noticed you left your makeup out, so I put it up top where you can’t reach. Have fun!” Girl- “ Oh yeah, maybe I’ll just start sleeping with your friends, and we’ll see who’s laghing then!!” Whoa. Any scenerio you chose this is what it will devolve to. Do yourself a favor if you’re about to get in a bathroom related argument a) kill yourself b) just apologize for everything. Honestly it’s never worth the argument.
5. Togetherness. Unifying as a team bonds you against the big, ugly world. Fight for your mate’s success, self-esteem, and career goals while your honey fights for yours. Crissy supported her new beau when he ran for public office. The pair endured the stress of living in a fishbowl and the unfounded subsequent attacks on both of them as individuals. But together, they kept their eye on their shared goal. When Cliff won the election, he proposed to Crissy. He gushed, “I can’t imagine life without this strong team we’ve formed.”
Lesson learned: Relationships thrive when mates cheer each other on. With each new plan of togetherness, you strengthen your personal bond.
Jesus-kumbaya-Christ. Thank God there are only five of these fights-that-I-need-to-have to have the bestest most spectular relationship ever! But honestly where do they come up with these hypothetical situations? Running for office? That’s the everyday example they give for their readers to use.