5. The “I Hate Valentine’s Day” Guy
Look everyone (every guy) hates Valentine’s Day. It’s over done. It’s blown out of proportion. It’s a HUGE waste of money. “You know that Hallmark just made this holiday up so that guys would drop hundreds of dollars on one random day.” Yeah buddy, everyone knows that. But here’s the deal, you do it anyway if you have a girlfriend or wife because if you don’t they’ll chop your dick off. It’s like New Years Eve. Nobody likes it, but being a scrooge isn’t going to make the situation any better. Don’t be this asshole.
4. The Singles Group
This is actually an ok group to hang around with. Everyone at the office is talking about what restaurant their going to and where they picked up their flowers. But this group is emailing everyone that doesn’t have any plans to come to the bar around the corner to get blasted and forget about Valentine’s Day. The upside? Hey, it’s Valentine’s day, a lot of girls are looking for somebody to love for the night. Feeling a little alone and don’t mind getting loose tonight. The downside? Alcohol can spur all kinds of emotions with females. A cab ride home with a chick could happen, but you might hit waterworks if this chick has one too many.
3. Mr. Perfect. The Guy Who Makes Other Guys Look Like Dicks.
One dozen red roses? Oh no this guy is getting two dozen. And he’s sending them to his girls office or teachers desk or the kitchen, just so everyone in the world sees what a good boyfriend he is. He’s the guy walking around with that huge teddy bear like a jackass, just waiting to give it to his girl to see the look on her face. Thanks for the huge stuffed animal, what are we 12 years old at the county fair? Then he gets a car service to the most expensive restaurant in town and probably throws jewelry in the mix just because he’s the best. And don’t worry if you don’t see all these deliveries and gifts in person, his girlfriend is sure to post them on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. “I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!! LOVE YOU FOREVER AEAEAE!!” Thanks for making us all look bad.
2. The Last Second Guy
This guy has had months to plan out what to do. He kept putting off making reservations, bricked on the flowers, and couldn’t decide whether to get chocolates or order something. Now it’s the fourteenth day of February and this guy is taking his lunch break to get flowers at the grocery store. He made a reservation at the local Friday’s for 9:15 and thinks he’s good to go. Everyone is talking about how screwed he is and that his girlfriend is gonna flip, but he could care less. Girlfriend probably got him like an engraved piece of shit jewelry piece that isn’t gay that took her 2 months to order. Whatever, this guy is just doing it live.
1. The Single/Depressed Chick
This is the one chick you need to avoid at all costs. She’s going to have 3 emotions today. Stage 1) the fake/happy stage. “I’m a strong confident single chick, not having anyone on Valentine’s Day isn’t a big deal.” This chick is delusional and straight up lying to herself. Just holding in all that emotions. Talking about how much she hates guys and that she is so much better without one in her life. That is till she gets to the next stages. Stage 2) Angry at the world stage. The fake nice pot has been boiling for a while and it’s about to spill over. Don’t be in her wake when she loses her shit. “Hey Sally any plans tonight?” “NO! NO PLANS. I’M ALL ALONE WITH NOBODY TO LOVE. THANKS FOR ASKING.” Like a ticking time bomb. This is the chick that will come over to the water cooler and ask everyone to stop talking about their V-day plans because it isn’t productive for the workplace…translation: one more word about love and she’s going jump into on-coming traffic. 3) Depression stage. She’s all alone. She’s thinking of all the girls with a boyfriend and thinking why she doesn’t have one. “Even Morgan in accounting has a boyfriend. MORGAN! What I am doing wrong” wah wah wah. She already has a tub of Ben and Jerrys with her name on it in the freezer to drown her sorrows.
The facebook status chick: she’s gonna let you know just how depressing her day is. Nobody cares about your love life chick.
The office creep: this Casanova thinks he’s so smooth asking all the single women in a “joking” manner if they want to get drinks tonight. But he’s 100% serious, and 100% creep.
The somehow single Hot Chick: it’s a complete mystery how this chick is single. Expect every dude to make a pass at her and strike out miserably. Hopefully she’ll be in the singles group at the bar.
The guy who proposes on Valentine’s Day: the only reason I love this move is because of all the chick blogs I’ve read that say this is the cheesiest thing. Cheese on bro, do you.