NYPost – The fastest-rising beast in hospitality: the snooty mixologist. These bar brats act like they know what’s best for their customers. Ask for vodka, they’ll give you gin. Request a mainstream, top-shelf liquor, and they’ll look down on you and push an artisanal alternative of which you’ve never heard. Want anything frozen or sugary, and they’ll refuse to make it, saying they don’t want to “mask the spirit’s taste.”
[Bartender] Phil Ward is adamant about what — and whom — he won’t serve. “I don’t carry vodka or light beer because they teach morons to like things that have no taste,” says Ward. “I don’t carry Coca-Cola either. It ruins palettes. When somebody walks into a bar and says that he wants a Long Island iced tea, what he’s basically saying is, ‘Put as much s - - t into a glass as possible, so I can get f - - ked-up.’ They are saying that they don’t care about taste.” “If you want to get bombed right away, order a zombie,” he says. “It’s boozier than a Long Island iced tea and really delicious.”
Wait, light beer and unhip cocktails like rum&cokes are for morons who have no taste? Well, put a dunce cap on my head and throw me in the corner of the room then. I mean, I had no idea that all this time when I was ordering Bud Lights I was looking like such a jackass. And even when I ordered the top shelf stuff I was doing it wrong. It’s a good thing there are bartenders in the world like Phil Ward to set people straight. Look, I TOTALLY get what he meant about those people that order Long Island iced teas. Like, you’re in a bar and you’re trying to get as fucked up as possible and you don’t even care about the TASTE of your drink?? What are we, animals?
When you go to a bar the customer is always wrong, remember that. Always do what the bartender says. Want a Long Island iced tea? No you’re having a Zombie. Coca-cola? Yeah, maybe if you want to completely ruin your palette, asshole. I can say for certain that gone are the days of ordering Bud Light and any mainstream beer for that matter. It’s only seasonal ales and microbrews that are made in the most mysterious of places for this guy now. I’m not gonna be the laughingstock of my local watering hole anymore.