Slate – Q. Girlfriend and Cat: I have been dating my girlfriend for three years, and I am mostly sure that this is the woman I will marry, except for one thing. The only thing we have any real disagreements about is our cat. She thinks it is just fine to kiss it right on the nose, repeatedly. She basically kisses it, and makes this “om nom nom” noise while doing so. I think it’s gross, and she thinks my reaction is funny. I honestly feel ill when she does this, and can’t stand the thought of kissing her afterward unless she washes up first. She thinks that makes me a loon. And yet, I can’t help the ick factor. She has begun to wonder why we aren’t engaged yet, and while it is quite true that I don’t want to deal with wedding plans until I am done with grad school, the really big reason to me is I can’t decide if this is a deal-breaker, or if I am being overly squeamish. So, please tell me, am I overreacting, or is she just being gross?
Could this guy have one foot more out the door in this relationship? His girlfriend is gross. His cat is getting more action than he is. He’s already ruled out marriage. And now he’s sending in letters to advice columns. Dude, it’s time to pull the plug. You’re girlfriend is doing the cookie monster to your fucking cat. That shit is disgusting. And in classic girl fashion she knows it pisses him off and keeps doing it. Like, “Hey babe, I know you love whiskers, but could you STOP kissing it and doing that weird ‘nom nom’ thing? I don’t want to kiss you after you do it.” “Oh, you mean when I do THIS! Om nom nom, come here whiskers!!” Girls do this shit all the time. They do something that they know pisses us off and play it off like it’s some kind of joke. Like annoying the bejeezes out of their boyfriend will somehow take the guy from a bothered state to a playful/fun state in a second. It never works. Guys understand this. When they annoy their girl they cut that shit out of their comedy routine ASAP. Why? Because guys piss off their girlfriends all the time and most of the time they have NO IDEA what the hell they did. So intentionally doing something that you know is gonna bother your girlfriend is honestly the dumbest thing you could possibly do. Like walking in a bad neighborhood with hundreds coming out of your pocket. You’re asking for trouble.
So here’s my advice to Mr. Pussycat. Before you graduate grad school start sending out job applications all over the country. No where in a 500-mile-radius. Then, a few weeks before graduation time, end this three-way feline related relationship. GTFO and move away. No more kissing your girlfriend who’s coughing up hairballs left and right.
P.S. Take a wild guess how the dating expert advised this guy. “This is no deal-breaker but one of life’s little quirks that requires partners to indulge each other. So while you roll your eyes at her cat kisses, don’t try to stop the smooching. And while she rolls her eyes at your hygiene commands, she rinses with mouth wash. This should make all three of you purr with contentment.” I just puked.