The NCAA Tourney starts today and it’s one of the best days in the sporting world. Everybody and their mother fills out a bracket and has fun with it. You cheer for your team and you cheer for your bracket. If you’re lucky you might win a few bucks. Much like buzzer beaters and Cinderellas are guaranteed, so are the people on this list that you’re going to run into. You’ve been warned. Here is the list of the 7 people you’ll run into today
1.) Called In “Sick” Guy– Oh looks like someone just caught the flu that’s going around and it just so happens to be on one of the most exciting days in sports. And by the flu that’s going around I’m referring to the flu from 2 months ago. And by sick I mean this guy is drinking bloody’s by 9am and on his 12th beer by 2PM. He’s gonna be sick alright, but that won’t happen till tomorrow at work when he’s constantly going to the bathroom and downing pot after pot of coffee. Mention a happy hour around this guy on Friday and he’ll probably projectile into his trash can. Missing all of Thursday to get drunk sounded like the best idea at the beginning of the week, but come friday this guy will consider a fall down the stairs just to go home.
2.) Spoiler Guy– Do not tell this guy what’s going on or he will rip your head off. “GUYS STOP TALKING ABOUT THE TOURNAMENT I HAVE ALL THE GAMES RECORDED!!!” This is the guy that’s gonna have his headphones on all day. Do not talk to him. He doesn’t want to know how your day going because he knows that in those 2 minutes of chatter he could hear someone off in the distance mention that Bucknell just beat Butler and fucked up his whole entire bracket. You’d think this guy would be able to mind his own and not make it a big deal, but it IS a big deal. He has to let everyone know that just because he’s stuck in the office doesn’t mean that’s gonna bring down the best day in college sports for him. And look, I get wanting to watch sports without knowing the outcome. But you’re an asshole if you’re gonna lay your burden on all your co-workers and friends.
3.) Doesn’t Know a Thing About Sports Guy– It’s not that this guy is pathetic, because it’s perfectly okay to not be an expert on college basketball, but it’s that he tries so. damn. hard. He keeps going on-and-on-and-on about Duke and Coach K because he still remembers seeing the title they won like a decade ago. It’s obvious he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, but you go along with him out of pity. Then you ask him what his Final Four looks like and surprise, surprise, he picked all #1 seeds. You leave the conversation with him wanting to bang your head against the wall, and he leaves the conversation with a fist pump whispering to himself, “nailed it!”
4.) Knows Her Shit a Little Too-well Chick– At first you love how much she knows. She correctly uses the term BPI and you are thoroughly impressed. But after a few minutes you realize she knows way more than you. You start getting all defensive when she corrects you. “Oh, actually Greg, Kentucky was rated in the top 10 to start the season, so losing to Robert Morris in the first round IS a pretty big deal.” You start panicking. Being a guy this doesn’t sit well. You try your best not to blurt anything out stupid and offensive but it comes out anyway. “Yeah…well… Britney Griner could be a man, I mean have you heard her talk? Right…Right guys??” Everyone is just staring at you with a blank stare. Not only is what you just said offensive, but it also came out of nowhere. Know one knows what the hell you’re talking about and why you’re sweating all the sudden. Bottom line- if you run into this girl remember she is an ally and not an enemy. You’ve finally found a girl who knows her sports, embrace it.
5.) “I Called It” Guy– “Ohhhhh you didn’t pick that 12 seed over the 5 seed. God, how stupid are you?!?!” That’s this guy. He predicted everything to happen. From the #1 seed getting a scare in the first half, to the that 3 seed that got bounced in the first round, to St. Mary’s winning their play-in game and then beating Memphis in the real first round. He’s picked it all. And as much as you want to call him out on it, absolutely DO NOT. Ya know why? Because he did predict all these things. Ya know how? Because this loser has filled out 50 brackets already with every possible doomsday scenerio he could come up with. All favorites. All upsets. Cinderellas. #1 losing to #9. Yeah this guy is a genius because he predicted everything…spread across a thousand brackets.
6.) I Don’t Really Care But I’m Absolutely Dominating The Office Pool Girl– We all know this girl. It’s gotten to the point where if you’re a receptionist in a bracket pool you have like a 50% chance of winning against the field. No one can understand how this girl is dominating. She couldn’t tell you one player on Ohio State but if you ask her what their mascot and colors are she’ll tell you instantly. All the nerdy dudes who’ve put in so much time watching ESPN, checking with the experts, going through schedules, running through highlighters are absolutely furious when they see Wendy in sales at the top of the leaderboard. That’s one of the reasons why these brackets are so popular. ANYONE can win.
7.) Didn’t Fill Out a Bracket Guy– One of the worst people you will run into today and the rest of the way through the tournament. Everyone at work is talking about the tournament, the office pool, their picks, etc. It’s just an excuse to talk about something besides quarterly figures and what you and the kids are up to this weekend, but this jerk wants NOTHING to do with it. “Ugghh guys can we talk about something else, basketball and gambling aren’t that important.” Just the buzzkill of all buzzkills on a day like today. Even your asshole boss is acting like a normal human being today, but this guy can’t get his act together. Even if somehow you didn’t fill out a bracket by mistake or you didn’t want to waste any money gambling, just fill one out now by yourself so you can join the conversation, or do us all a favor and just don’t talk.