I guess the mothership still has some funny left in them, because this was solid gold. Frank Caliendo mastered that Kiper impression. And I’m not even talking the look with the goofy hairdo that hasn’t moved in the last century, which was great. I’m taking the same mannerisms, same speech pattern, same agressive adjectives. Seriously, watch it a second time without watching the screen, he sounds EXACTLY like Mel Kiper Jr. Huuuuuge upside on these graphics too, I’m taking these graphics if they come, flying under the radar, for my money, these graphics are the best you can get.
OH BURNNNNN! Yeah, take that Rick! While you’re still coaching, going to Final Fours, and getting #1 seeds, Digger is on the Mothership, with his highlighters and touchscreens doing it big. Yeah, remember when you guys coached against each other those four times? And who has 3 wins?? DIGGER! Boom case closed. I mean, Digger doesn’t come off bitter at all here. Calling out slick Rick. Referring to himself in the third person. Referencing games pre-1991 (Digger’s last season). So, why don’t you remember who you’re talking about here Rick, or else Digger will whip out
ancient history as the ultimate trump card.
NYdailynews – Pro poker player Greg Raymer busted in prostitution sting. Known as ‘Fosilman,’ the veteran player may have known when to hold ’em, but not when to fold ’em as he responds to an ad about prostitutes posted by cops in Wake Forest, N.C. Raymer received a misdemeanor prostitution charge.
Shocking stuff here. This guy, who looks like he’s pushing 4 bills, has to pay for sex? No WAY!! So does this answer the age old question if money can buy happiness? I mean, he did win $5mill in a poker tournament. And he is apparently using that money for pleasure, sooooo…… Anyway I could actually care less, this guy creeps the shit out of me. I feel bad for actually posting that mug shot. What I find actually shocking is that this guy won the WSOP nearly 10 years ago (he won it in 2004). Has it really been that long? I feel like it was only a couple years ago when poker was like the hottest thing in America. ESPN pumping out the Tuesday night poker night all the time. And remember that show Tilt?
Now do you remember? Weird stuff. I feel like everyday I see another sign that I’m getting older and older. And it’s not cool signs like BuzzFeed’s newest list of “How Awesome It Is To Be A Kid Who Grew Up In The 90’s.” It’s signs like doing my taxes, seeing Facebook groups that say “University of [insert school here] Class of 2018,” google searching what age Selena Gomez is, and realizing my poker obsession is over 10 years old. Scary stuff. Scary, scary stuff.
ESPN – Caroline Wozniacki says her boyfriend, top-ranked golfer Rory McIlroy, has improved his fitness level so much that he likes working out even more than she does. Wozniacki’s dedication to the gym inspired McIlroy, and now he’s taken it to another level, which sometimes annoys the former top-ranked tennis player. “Even in my offseason, I’m like, ‘Can you just rest for a second?’ I don’t want to see the gym. I don’t want to hear about the gym. I don’t want to go run. I just want to relax,” she said. “He’s like, ‘No, but let’s just go to the gym.’ But it’s good fun. It’s great that we can motivate each other. It’s great that we can do so many things together.” Wozniacki provided a glimpse into their private life, saying she accompanies McIlroy to the practice range, where she has her own pile of balls to hit.
Rory and Caroline sittin’ in a gym, L I F T I N G! What a cute couple these two kids are. Just going to the gym together. Hitting golf balls together. Running together. Becoming #1 in their respected sports together. “You go to the gym” “No, YOU go to the gym!” “ahahah. Pillow fight!” You gotta hand it to Rory for how he’s playing his cards here. Imagine for a second being a golfer on the pro tour and having a girlfriend. Best of both worlds in the beginning. You hang out with your girlfriend for three days and than Thursday thru Sunday you’re off in some hot spot playing 72 holes (I feel like there’s a sex joke here…). Win-win. But after a while you know the girlfriend’s gonna mention spending more time together. Maybe ride in the golf cart during his practice sessions. Traveling with him to tournaments. Worst come to worst she pulls a Nicki Stricker. Well, that’s never gonna happen to young Rory here. While he’s off in Augusta Caroline is gonna be at Wimbledon or Paris or NYC. Perfect scenario. And you know who’s gonna actually going to be able to 100% empathize with Rory here when he has a bad tournament, or doesn’t finish first in a major? His professional tennis playing girlfriend. A very comparable sport to golf if you think about it: a) an individual sport b) the majors schedule c) the length of tournaments d) the mental game. Kind of the total package now that ya think about it. I mean if you could get over the whole “professional tennis” playing thing this is kind of a match made in heaven. Whoa, that took a slightly deep turn. Deep stuff fullHOUSE, deep stuff. OH! That sex joke! Tiger Woods probably played a different game of 72 holes every week. HEEEYO!
P.S. Caroline’s okay, but the leader in the clubhouse for golfer with the hottest celebrity girlfriend is easily Dustin Johnson. Hellllllo Paulina Gretzky!
And yeah, that’s Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, and instagram sensation Paulina Gretzky. Talk about good genes.
ESPN – Ray Lewis retired from playing in the NFL, but the former Ravens linebacker will still be suiting up during the football season. This time, however, Lewis will actually be wearing a suit and not a helmet. Lewis has officially joined ESPN as an NFL studio analyst, the network announced in a news release. He will appear on “Monday Night Countdown,” “Sunday Night Countdown” and “SportsCenter,” while also contributing to ESPN’s annual Super Bowl coverage.
It’s happening people. You knew it was possible, but this makes it official. Ray Lewis is joining Boomer and the boys every Sunday and Monday to talk football, God, and the best way to discard a white, 46 long suit. And I know, I know, we all saw this coming. There were rumors about this 2 seconds after he announced he was going to retire. But part of me thought he was gonna go the way of God and become a preacher. Trading in his Sundays on the gridiron for Sundays on the podium preaching the Good word. I mean, I thought Sundays were supposed to be a day of rest anyway? And if I’m not mistaken Ray Lewis is like the most religious guy on the planet. No one is closer to the Big guy upstairs than #52. So I guess Ray joining ESPN is pretty much a slap in the Face. Kinda messed up now, if you ask me.
“Finding His Happy Place” huh? Message received loud and clear ESPN. You guys like my shit. I mean, I can’t blame you. I published that Happy Gilmore blog like what, 12 hours ago? And now the headline for Dwight Howard’s return to Orlando just happens to be a reference to the same movie from 1996? So transparent. I have to say I’m honored. It’s good to know the Mothership is keeping tabs on us here at fullHOUSE.
Absolutely love this move by RoFlo. Just finishing off the 8am SportsCenter with a bang. Shoutout to the most baller ass website on the planet. What? You didn’t think RoFlo was street? Dude probably listens to the freshest mixtapes and has all the IHOP brawls on his desktop at his cube in Bristol. Cell phone videos for days. WORLDSTAR! WORLDSTAR!